Thursday, September 25, 2014

So What's New?

And these days I'm just sick all the time. 

It's gross. How do people stand it. Why do people have more than one?

I was driving and almost barfed in my car the other day. I was so rattled I couldn't seem to figure out that I needed to pull over or open the door or at least the window.

Fortunately I didn't.

Sorry. Not much real blog. Maybe if I ever don't feel sick all the time?

Sunday, September 14, 2014

News

Sorry it's been so long.

Things have been different around here.

We're talking about getting married. 

And I'm pregnant. So we both sort of think we should.

And I haven't told anyone but him yet. And now you. I'm trying it out to see how it works.

Because you aren't supposed to tell til 3 months right?

And I'm so tired all the time. Is that normal? Is that being pregnant or is that strange? I sleep all the time.

And he's afraid of hurting me all of a sudden. So... I'm not sure how that's going to work. He thinks I'm made of glass suddenly.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Cat and Mouse

His favorite thing is breast torture.

He plays a lot with nipples,  that's often his focus with quick little pinches and twists or more deliberate clamping sessions.

Thursday he clamped my nipples with the little tweezer clamps. He put them on me, pushing the rings up slowly, watching my tits, my face for feedback. Then, as he often does, he straightened one of them, taking it off and replacing it so it would be perfectly vertical.

And then, rather than playing with me more, he tucked my tits roughly back in my bra, which hurt. And then, a little while later, he pulled my panties off, I thought maybe to spank me, but no, he just took the panties and stuffed them roughly in my bra. It was staggering how much more that hurt. He's never done that before and I sort of want him to do it again, because it was so mean and it hurt so much and he was so indifferent and probably even unknowing of how much that escalated things.

And then, he just waited.

Because Dominants always win the pain waiting game don't they.

And he played with me. Cat and mouse I think.

They hurt more and more and eventually, I begged him to take the clamps off me.  I couldn't take the pain; I was starting to freak.

And eventually he fucked me. And came. And waited some more. Though I didn't cum. That wasn't what the session was about.

And I begged him again. Please to take the clamps off me.

And he started to play sexually with me. He reached between my legs, and pointed out that I was slick and sloppy with his cum. He said it like he was disgusted but he loves finding the mark of his ownership that way.

He played and stroked and rubbed and eventually asked me if I wanted to cum. I said I wanted him to please take the clamps of and he laughed a little and said that wasn't the question. So I said I did want to cum. So he rubbed a little more, and then told me it was too much work and that if I wanted to get off I could do the work and rub myself on his fingers til I got off.

And I squirmed and rubbed and writhed til I got myself off.

And then my tits exploded with pain. And he had me kneel up and put my hands behind my head while he watched me sweat and cry with the pain. His pain.

And then he played with the clamps, taking the first one off slowly, oh so slowly, his fingers gently moving the ring down and spreading the arms of the clamps and peeling them off my nipple as I sobbed. The second one was fast, rough, all one motion an explosion of pain.

Which was worse he asked me.

Both.

Which I guess is why it's his favorite thing?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Sadist

He's a sadist. That's something I really like actually. I don't know why. Maybe because ... it means he's a total bad-ass.

Or something.

His sadism used to scare me, when I first met him. I think it seemed like something weird and scary. Maybe uncontrolled. Maybe he was going to go on a rampage and tie me up and chainsaw me or worse.

Now I think I see it almost entirely as an extension of his dominance. Which is to say that he likes hurting me, because in our relationship he can do it and I have to let him.

I think he loves hurting me, just because he gets to. It's power, the power of knowing that I submit to the pain because it's a way of submitting to his dominance.

Maybe I'm wrong. This isn't something that he's actually said to me, but I'm always trying to see inside his head. Especially when he's hurting me.

Especially when I'm trying to distract myself from the pain.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Breakfast Rules

We had a another fight this week. Yeah I know, fight after fight after fight.

This one started off stupidly.

He likes eggs for breakfast. Eggs, bacon, toast. Jam. Has to be the right jam, strawberry or maybe raspberry. Not orange. Not peanut butter. Coffee with cream and sugar.

I know he likes what he likes. Cooked properly. By me. No substitutes.

Occasionally he changes what he wants. Cereal. Pancakes. And we still better have what he wants.

Monday we ran out of eggs. And jam. I knew we were out of eggs. I didn't realize about the jam.

I knew but I had forgotten and then I was tired and I didn't go shopping. Not a big deal right?

But it was. Is. He wakes up cranky and he wants what he wants. His perfect breakfast. If I could have persuaded him to have pancakes that would have been awesome. But it wasn't what he wanted. And when he realized, he was really a jerk about it.

Yes, he'd have pancakes, but omg he was being such a jerk. And I could tell he was going to be mad at me about it. And I want him pleased, not mad at me. 

So I got in my car and drove to the convenience store and bought eggs while he showered. Brought them home and was there even before he came downstairs.

And then he was fine. He came downstairs, I was frying the eggs, the bacon already done, making the toast, the coffee,I had cream.

He was pleased with me. He was a bit of a jerk about the fact that I had forgotten and had had to go out and get them, but he was pleased with me and just kind of ribbing me.

Can you hear the scary music?

I didn't have jam.

I hadn't realized.

So there was a big fight.

Not hitting. Nothing like that. But cold angry silence.

When he came home it was still cold.

After dinner he called me into the family room. Sat me down and gave me some new rules. About breakfast of all things.  Every morning there is to be bacon, eggs, brown toast, strawberry jam, coffee with cream and sugar.

Everything else is optional. These elements are not. If they aren't available I will be beaten. In a D/s way. Not because he got mad but because I disobeyed a rule.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. For me to remember, because now there's a new rule.

Rules are good, right? They help right?

Friday, August 15, 2014

Update

How is it now?

A bit better.

It's better when we have a little time together.

But really, he has lots of other priorities, and I have trouble with that.

I'm supposed to be sweet and submissive and accepting and I struggle with it.

I want to be his priority.

This will shock him when he reads it. He'll think, "but I thought we were great. Wtf does she want? She's so demanding."

And you know, I am. I expect great things.

I want to be the priority, not the last thing on the list.

I want to be the most important thing in his life.

And I'm not sure I can live with being the 22nd best.

So that's how we are. A bit better. Not openly fighting.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Badness

And now we're bad. Messed up.

Makes me sad. I've been crying all night.

Why?

Because reasons.

Is he sad? I don't know. Probably relieved that he could walk away and I'm not harping at him at the moment.

We've been so good.

And now we aren't.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

All Over Again

You know how sometimes you go through periods where you are madly in love with your lover all over again?


Where the doubts and the bad stuff seem to just disappear and you realize why you adored them because you adore them all over again?


I'm there. So there.

He's amazing and wonderful and I can't get enough of him. 

He's there too. I know it.

Why?

It was time?

I don't really know. Relationships take work. You sometimes you work and work and work, and they don't seem to be going well. And then finally, it clicks and ... it works.

And then it's so effortless. As long as you keep working at it.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Rationing

We've been playing this game lately.

Me asking for pain.

I know, doesn't make sense.

And it's dangerous, or it can be, asking The Sadist for sex. That's the way I think of him sometimes: "The Sadist". In capital letters.

It's scary to wake The Sadist and invite him out to play.

Because pain, no matter how exciting and sexual and submissive and glorifying it is sometimes, is also pain. And it fucking hurts.

So, when it goes past the wonderful part, where I'm thrilled to be giving it to him, sometimes it's scary and awful and makes me cry and wish that he didn't do it, and makes me wish especially that I'd never been fool enough to ask for it.

It started over the weekend. We were playing and I knew he couldn't hurt me, not really, because there were limits on him that day, and I just knew I was safe. Weirdly, it made me think of pain, of him hurting me, of offering it, of wanting it, and I started to talk about it. I kept bringing it up, kept bringing the conversation back there, over and over again. How I wanted to offer it, wanted it, wanted it, wanted it.

Pain and sex and humiliation and submission and obedience and did I mention pain. It was about channeling submission into pain and offering it that way. Or something. It was wanting him to hurt me, suggesting ways in which he could, offering it over and over again, acknowledging how hard it would be for me to take it if he started, really started, but how much I wanted him to start, to give it to me, to hurt me. Begging for it.

If I'm honest, I was crazy for it Saturday night, in a frenzy of not getting it, jonesing for it. 

Sunday morning I wanted it again. Pain. I could feel in my body where I wanted it, tits, ass, pussy. Pain. Delicious pain.

It's been a long time since I was so desirous of it. Usually I don't mind a little. Sometimes it's a trigger for sex for me. Often he blasts past the point where it's good for me and I just endure it because he wants it. But very very seldom it's something I crave. I was there.

So I asked him for it. Again. Sunday he gave me a little taste of it. I gobbled it down. Asked for more. He gave me another (smaller) taste. I ate that too.

Today, even smaller tastes. He's rationing pain. Doling it out like I'm in a pain diet. Stingy Sadist.

And he's giving me just enough to make sure I keep following him, begging for more.

I don't think it occurs to him that I will lose interest and wander off. And so far I haven't.

I still want more.

Pain whore he calls me. Yes Sir. Please.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Saturday Mornings

I masturbated and came this morning while he was out doing good deeds.

I'm not usually forbidden from masturbating but I do have to tell each time.

Which... I don't really like doing. I never have. Which he knows. Which is part of the reason why he makes me do it. Power, right? Information as well. And information is power too. Which makes it great. Right?

He often stops to examine the confession.

With commentary.

"Well that was slutty."

or "Aren't you a needy little fuck?"

Which can be humiliating. Sometimes in a good humiliating way. Sometimes just in an embarrassing humiliating way.

Or he'll ask if I really needed it or if it was just "crime of opportunity".

In this case, a little of both Sir.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Everything Coming Up Daisies

Did you know, that "sadist" autocorrects to "daisy"? At least on my phone.

I know you're going to try it.

If not now, then later.

That's fine, you don't have to believe me.

Go ahead and try and let me know.

How do I know? A friend and I were discussing a Dom, and she asked me if he was and I guess she was paying attention because her message got through, mine got sanitized and I didn't even notice. "I don't know if he's a daisy."

And no, he isn't. 

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Owned

He started in the living room, playing with me, turning me on. Turning me on a lot. I wanted to cum. I asked permission, he said no. But he continued to play. He liked that I had asked. Of course.

Actually, he'd really been working up to it all week. Preparing my body, my nipples for this day. Working them over a fair bit, just day by day. 

I was in a bit of a daze, so turned on, that's probably why I asked for more. I don't usually unless he makes me, but oh I wanted more.

Suddenly he seemed to decide it was time to get down to business. He ordered me upstairs, dropped me to my knees and clamped my tits.

From sweet and sexual to brutal in 60 seconds.

I was shocked I guess.

Damn, I'm always shocked when those clamps go on anyway, but I was shocked by the change in mood too.

I didn't think he was mad at me or annoyed or anything, just that he had his Sadist on and wanted what he wanted.

I felt owned.

Controlled.

Anxious about how long it might last, where he'd go next.

Submissive to following wherever it went.

Was I wearing my collar? I don't remember. Maybe. I think so.

Was there sexual play while we were there? I don't remember. Probably. Because there usually is. But I don't remember.

I remember kneeling there. Practically crying. Feeling owned by him, and glorying in it.

I think he came on me.

That doesn't sound like I was very "present" does it?

Sunday, July 20, 2014

It's Funny Cause It's True

The undeniable truh about men & women

Respecting the Rules

We were talking this morning about "the letter of the law", about rules and their meanings and how I follow them.

He's kind of stern about rules. Ummm, that might be an understatement. He's very stern about rules. If he says he wants things done 3 times he wants them done 3 times. Not 2. And not 4 either. 3.

If he says don't do something, he means don't do it at all. He doesn't mean sometimes, or do less of it, or don't do it where I know he's going to see it, or anything like that. He means don't do it.

Sometimes I hate the rules he sets, and they are often negotiable, as long as that negotiation is done respectfully. He'll discuss just about anything and he'll continue to discuss it, though it may be just about impossible to change his mind after the first discussion.

Sometimes I'm just sulky about things which shows him that I didn't like the rule and I don't want to do it. And he ignores the sulkiness or gets annoyed. Negotiating after I've been sulky doesn't work as well. (Duh!)

If he found me sneaking around doing something he had told me not to do he'd be furious and there would be all kinds of hell to pay.


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Relationship

He's away right now, and sometimes that makes us bad. But this time, thank goodness, it isn't.

I think partly because (mostly because?) I'm in such a sweet and submissive state of mind.

Right now, I seem to be drinking it all down as fast as I can, submission, humiliation, obedience, the works.

Yes Sir, yes Sir, anything you want Sir.

Too bad he can't bottle that and feed it to me at times when I'm not great with it.

But right now, right now, it's good. I feel like I adore him. I even (shhhhh) feel like I worship him. Which is pretty damn rare.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Thursday's Task

Hello Sir,

Just a short paragraph (as ordered) to tell you about yesterday's task at work.

I spent a lot of the afternoon focused on other things, but had pretty much finished them all by the time i went to do this task. I went into the women's washroom about 3 and there was someone in there, so I left and went back about 3:30 i think. I might be off a little with the times.

I went into the stall, pulled up my skirt and pulled down my panties (the pleated skirt is very full and silky, and has two layers and was a bit of a pain to hold out of the way, I know you like that kind of thing) and licked my finger and went to work on my clit, rubbing and stroking and trying to get myself turned on. 
It was a bit... umm... clinical i guess, because it was so purposefully just about turning myself on to obey the order. And yet as I worked away at it, I did get turned on, to about a 7 as ordered, and then I stopped, as ordered. 
I wanted to use the little buzzing vibe i had in my purse but I didn't as you had ordered just fingers. 

So I got to where i was supposed to be and then stopped, pulled up my panties, pulled down my skirt and went back to work wanting.

Thank you for the task Sir,

Your sweet little slut

Friday, July 11, 2014

Relationships

Sometimes our relationship is so perfect, so perfectly what I want.

I'm His

Some days he's so amazing, and I absolutely adore him and I would do anything for him.

I know what makes that connection.

It's serving him, being allowed to be submissive to him, to be ordered by him. It makes me want more, more, more.

Which all makes me sound like I'm some kind of crazy. And usually I'm not.

But sometimes...

Yeah.

I'm his. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Intro

So frustrating sometimes, to go from place to place, feeling like a gypsy.

Sometimes it feels like there are more frustrations than not.

And that's my first post.

Frustrated. Angry. Incomprehensible.